INTERESTED

Any Facebook user is familiar with this word. You have either typed it or seen it on a post in your timeline, its closely related to the aim global jokes that post pictures in borrowed suits that barely fit; floating on air beside a sports car(even Photoshop is so sick of them it cant even do a simple job of making them look like they own the car); and promising to help you make ksh. 40,000 a day.

My main concern is on these people who claim to be selling items online, especially ladies heels and handbags. They post downloaded pictures and you are there typing interested. Guys please, lets be very careful with these online sellers. I am not saying that all of them are cheats, but if someone post pics that look soap opera and promises to delivery the item free, doesn’t even direct you to his/her shop to go and check it out…isn’t the deal too good?

I saw a post on one of the groups am following of some ankle boots that were posted by different sellers, very beautiful and tempting. People ordered and sent money and it ended up to be a scam. But who’s fault is it? Why do you send money to a stranger? Is it very difficult to differentiate between real pictures and fake ones? Then you start cursing…oh she will never prosper…she will lose all her money…may she break her right hand!

 

 

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WHAT IS IT ABOUT? REALLY?

It it just me or its annoying to be asked what a book you are reading is about. Just like its almost obvious for people to ask you what breed your dog is, like its even important. I have no problem with your curiosity, I just dont understand what it is that you want to hear. So I try to tell you in summary, coz I need to get back to where I was before you rudely interrupted, but then I realize that you ain’t even paying attention.

Do other readers have the same concerns or am I being issueic? Those of you who ask, do you really want to know or its just a formality. When you find someone reading, ask them what the book is about, if someone has a baby, ask the name, if someone has headphones, ask what music they are listening to…and so on. Is it important? Is it necessary? Would it be rude to hand you the book so you can find your answers?

Darlings, lets learn to ask only what we really need to know. It doesn’t make us less interested or less humane, it saves both of us time and energy. Just ask the title of the book, if it interests you, you will look for it and know what its about. Full stop.

ITS ‘PUBLIC’

People can be mean. So yesterday I boarded a matatu and there was this mama who wanted to sit next to the door. She kept getting out to excuse whoever wanted to sit next to her. So people would just ignore her and cross the back sits until there was only two seats left, her self-proclaimed and the middle one. Two ladies came, together, so the mama excuses them and says ‘mmoja tu nataka kukaa!’ with this commanding voice. They board the next mat.

So guys lets agree on a few things; That is a public vehicle my friend. You want to be extremely comfortable, buy your own car or use a cab (this reminds me when we were travelling back from shags with my sister and we complained that the bus was slow and the tout said we should have taken uber, bless him!)

Secondly its impolite and selfish to expect friends who have been together to separate. They probably have unfinished business, or a hot gossip that needs to be finalized. I tend to think she comes from those places that a car is never full until its full so she exercises her freedom where she can. No offence though.

THE SPEC IN YOUR BROTHER’S EYE

The gym is a sensitive place. In exception of the few who have perfect bodies and come here to keep fit and maintain, the rest of us have a series of issues. We have imperfections that we need to streamline. Here you find a cocktail of humans.

One group is those who are so badly off. I love them, they encourage me. They make feel like I belong to the group I mentioned earlier. One asked, ‘why do you come here and yet you are so small’. So whats the definition of small. Well, if you must know, am here because I feel I should be here. Thanks for the compliment though.

Then there is group that wants to use that which you are using that very moment. There is variety of treadmills but she feels comfortable with the one you are using for some reason known to herself. So she stands there looking at you like when are you gonna finish? This is a public facility and that I understand, but it doesn’t mean am gonna cut off what am doing just to please you. Occupy yourself with whatever else needs to be done or use the next!

Then there is this particular ones who have been examining you closely, marking what you couldn’t do and now can, which part of your body was hanging lose and is now burnt off, what you have been doing wrong. Wait, do you ever do what brought you here? That is stalking and its not allowed. If you came to the gym to look for a partner, my friend, am not the best fit, am not a candidate. Just get off my case and start making notes on the next.

Then there are those who have been here for ages, they have mastered all the moves, they do the impossibles but you still cant see a difference in their bodies, or maybe they were worse, which is scary. They look at the beginners like some ‘anti-nyitas’ who cant do at thing. When the coach asks people to pair-up, they go like ‘cant we just do it individually coz some people are gonna delay us’. Reminds me of those rich kids back in the days who had more revision books in the lockers than the school library but never had an impact on their grades!

Having been able to analyse all my mates there and knowing each of their characters, am not sure I do what takes me there as well.

WHO YOU ARE DEPENDS ON THE OCCASION

Meeting people from the high end class can be interesting. There is something common with the way they expect you know them and should treat differently. So the other day one of these famous comedians of the earlier dates comes. I have a way of peeping through the window so by the time you get to me I already saw you coming up the steps so am not surprised by your presence. It feels good to meet him, but I wont for a moment act like I feel privileged. So I act composed, give him a simple ‘good morning’ and tell him to have a seat. He is giving me this look of really? you do not know me or you just pretending not to notice my presence. How can you keep me waiting am a busy man.

I love putting people in their position. You are famous, I agree. You are a busy man, I agree. I should know you, who doesn’t. You came and found these other clients waiting, they came in before you for God’s sake. Just sit down and wait! doesn’t matter who you are, what you do, where you are coming from or where you are going. If you are the kind that does not know what patience feels like, you should have come earlier.

So just to let him know that I just don’t feel like favoring him over my fellows, I call him by his stage name, and we smile, happily, but for different reasons.

GLADLY YOU AUDIENCE

So there is this plus size lady(serious plus size, the type that has trouble walking). I see her everyday on my way to work. She is always in grey skirts,(all shades of grey, but just grey) that look a size too small for her so she is always pulling them downwards after every two steps. 8 out of 10 times she has a hanging hem. I know i know i should my mind my business but am human and i have functional brains so this is what crosses my mind when i see her:
1.Unless the outfit is new, we always know exactly how our clothes fit and feel. there is no point in pulling them every two minutes..walk with the same confidence you had when wearing them.
2.Embracing colour is important. Wearing brightly makes one feel confident. It raises your spirit. Doesn’t mean one shouldn’t do dull, but having a whole wardrobe of one dull weird colour is not funny, its not normal. Period!
3. Having a hanging hem once is an accident. It happens, alot, and when it does, the discomfort is just so unbearable you fix it as soon as you get home to avoid a similar miserable day. But having a hanging hem today, tomorrow and the other day, on different skirts is unacceptable. Its carelessness. Leaves me thinking even her size is as a result of the same carelessness.
In conclusion, ladies, lets learn to love ourselves. Always wear that beautiful smile, wear that short dress like a boss. Feel fabulous and care about how you look. You may want to call it imaginary audience so that you can fit into your comfort zone, but my sister, it is NOT imaginary. its real. I will be you audience and I will expose you. Ara!